Welcome to the Huey Treatment for the 1935 RKO film, Star of Midnight!!!
When determining a 'alternate theme' for this photoplay, it became quite apparent that there's a 'running theme' throughout this film (which was a definite nod to The Thin Man franchise), and that was... imbibing! (or, for those in South Gingerville, getting soused on corn squeezin's). Well, to put a 'twist' (...a lemon twist, perhaps?) on the theme, how about our lead couple being...the owners of an 'energy drink' start-up, well ahead of their time... hmmm...well, OK....here we go, then!
...Our tale begins in prohibition-era Gotham City, where former rum-runners Shirley Templeton and Johnny "Red" Walker have given up on trying to corner the market for bathtub gin, and instead have devised a new scheme for raking in the dough... Shirley enters Red's humble abode to find Mr. Stokely, a very prominent producer of foodstuffs along the Eastern seaboard... Red has invited Mr. Stokely over to discuss a new product line he may be interested in...
...good evening, Ms. Templeton... I was just leaving...I have to catch a plane to Vidalia, Georgia... the onions are in season, you know...
...Red has told me a lot about you, Mr. Stokely... hopefully the formulas we have devised will be to your liking... ...and I hope your stay in the Goober State is a pleasant one...
...well, things went well with Mr. Stokely, Shirl... once we finalize the contract, bottles of "Gingery Amped Monster Shot" (GAMS for short) will be rolling into markets throughout the Tri-state area...
Well, it SOUNDS too good to be true, Red... are you sure all the legal "p's and q's" are taken care of?
...speaking of "
p's and q's", thanks for the hot toddy here... I've had a tough day with that Sandrich dude over in Studio One...
...do you know he had the GALL to suggest I need DANCING lessons? Putting up with that chump's mess has gotten me back into smoking!
...oh yeah, where were we? Yes, the energy drink thing... This is AWESOME news, Red!!!
You know, we really need to go celebrate this good fortune of ours...
Hey, let's go see "Despicable Me 2"! I hear Kate is awesome in it...
Hmmm...after reviewing this contract summary, there actually ARE a few loopholes in it... I think we'll have to wire Mr. Stokely to iron out the details...
...as our legal counsel, check this out and see what you think... ...better run it by Lela as well...you can't get ANYTHING by that woman!
...and as for the film, I think I'll retire a bit early, sweetie... Miss Hepburn and those little tater tot fellows up there are quite frankly giving me the heebie-jeebies!
...hmmm...I think they forgot to scoot the decimal over on this profit distribution breakdown...
...so, it's a 50-50 split then? Thanks, Mr. Stokely! We'll be on the lookout for the revised contract... ...it should be here by the end of next week? Splendid! You must be sending it express!!!
...And thanks again for the case of canned rutabaga... John just LOVES that stuff...whatever it is...
Well, Miss Templeton, I have to hand it to you, your bargaining skills are simply impeccable...
That's nothing, Red...wait until we unleash the WHOLE line on 'em...we'll be the Czars of the fledgling energy drink market... we'll have the general public flying around on bicycles, roller skating thru rings of fire, and jumping itty-bitty cars over small canyons in no time!!!
...here, try this one I've been working on down at the lab... it's designed to give you energy for hours...
...hmmm...
...now how can THIS miniscule amount of elixir POSSIBLY revitalize one's constitution for an extended period of time?
...that's the beauty, see... it's concentrated... go on, try it! ...you have to chug it all at once to get the full effect...
...so... how do ya feel?
...I feel like I need something to drink! Is there anything left in that bottle?
...now, Red...alcohol will cancel out the vim and vigor you are about to experience from the formula...
...in fact, mixing alcohol with it may even cause serious side effects...
...er, now that I think about it, a few of the lab rats were bouncing off the walls of their cage after they drank a bit of this by itself...
ummmm...OK - well, you better get to bed, Red... we've got a big day ahead...
...why, I feel perfectly fine, Nora...
...ummm-hmmm... you're sounding a bit out of character to me...
...hey, how long does this tingly feeling in my tummy and bubbly feeling in my noggin last, bunchy-hon?
OK, Red...I've tweaked the formula a bit... hopefully you won't get loopy as you did last night... Jeeves had to get you out from the main lobby downstairs..
You were doing The Macarena in your skivvies... it's a good thing
YouTube hasn't been invented yet...
...for that matter, The Macarena
hasn't been invented yet, either...
...are you sure that this nefarious potion is deemed fit for human consumption?
...don't worry... the blend has been perfected... you should have plenty of energy to stay awake during that meeting with Stokely's stooge today...
I can't believe he's actually flying in a company rep from Peoria just to finalize the contract...they must REALLY want our products, Red...
...and remember, as our product rep, your share is this...
...and, as the Chief Formula Developer and Master Mixologist, MY take is THIS...
...I hope Red's still conscious... I need him to try these variants of the sleep deprivation formula I've been working on... I've stayed up three nights straight working on this juice...
...that one contains leaves from the coca plant of South America...
ummmm...
It's quite intoxicating...
...uh, are you (snort) going to drink the rest of those?
Listen to this... It's estimated by the turn of the century, over 85 percent of the American public will be caffeine dependent...
...see, we need to tap into THAT market share, Red!
Gulp Gulp Gulp...
Man, I love that Diet Mountain Dew...I can't get ENOUGH of it!!!
Here's some more formulas I jotted down when I was at the Alchemist Convention last spring...
Dopamine, Phenylalanine, Levoamphetamine...
...hey... here's a recipe for mac and cheese!!!
oooh... they call for
spiral pasta... more surface area to capture that gooey cheesy goodness!
...maybe we can incorporate an energy component into this recipe...
...just think, Red... one could consume a heaping bowl of their favorite comfort food, and instead of feeling bloated and queasy afterwards, they could have a jolt of powerful energy!!!
...um, Red?
...well, that dirty so-and-so...
Oh well, I really can't expect him to understand, much less appreciate, the beauty of food engineering... ...now, about this formula...
Hey, Jasper...gimme two cups of Gorgonzola... PRONTO!
...thanks for meeting up with me again, Shirley... ...I had to step out back there and clear my head... ...you know I'm not too comfortable discussing the 'nuts and bolts' of the operation...
...but that chat DID get me to thinking...it's funny how some of the 'weaker types' get hopelessly addicted to the most rudimentary of chemical compounds...
...like nicotine?
HEY, FOOD!!! That cannabis elixir you made me guzzle has made me mighty POWERFUL HONGRY, girl...
...is this supposed to be a hot dog? Or is it just a pink string bean?
...maybe we need to consult Stokely before we consume too many of 'em...
...speaking of all things Stokely, what's your game plan for finalizing the contract with the broccoli bunch and getting us in the MONEY?
Listen, THAT's why I needed to met with you...Mr. Stokely has some new information for us regarding a 'wonder ingredient' to implement in GAMS...
If it performs the way he described in his wire, we stand to not only overtake the Eastern Seaboard, but possibly the entire COUNTRY!!!
Just think, sweet one... cases and cases of GAMS being shipped to all four corners of our grand old nation... ...
YOUR GAMS!!!
...er, I don't know, Red...sounds a bit too easy... I've worked for months and months perfecting that formula...
...why, I worked my pretty little fingers to the bone!
...and who is this, Mr. Walker? One of your stable of "kept women?"
...'KEPT WOMAN'???
Is THIS heifer Stokely's rep? Now I KNOW something smells in Spinachville!!!
...look, nothing against you, necessarily...but I'm just not convinced you and that squash shack you work for are on the up-and-up, Berta Lou...
...John speaking off-camera... ...now, Nora...Ms. Dinglehoffer is here to finalize the contract...she has also given us the 'contact point' for delivery of the 'wonder ingredient', named "Formula X"......not too unique, of course, but a memorable name...
...don't be frontin', now...you may have the height advantage on me, but I'll neutralize THAT with my patented 'Billy Goat' move!!!
...and STOP CALLING ME NORA!!!
Listen, Mr. Stokely... your representative was efficient, but definitely lacked 'people skills'...I just thought you should be made aware of that...
...translation: The battle axe needs to be axed!!!
Well, I have to hand it to you, Shirley, when we first got into this venture, I thought it would be a certified FLOP... but your genius with those formulas have got us sitting on the precipice of EASY street... now we just need to 'seal the deal', as it were...
whoa...what's wrong with that greenish-looking chap over at the bar? HE could stand to take one of our elixirs...
We'll pick up Formula X, run it by the boys down at the FDA, implement it into GAMS, run a few test trials in major markets, secure the line in a Stokely processing plant, design labels, get us a spokesman, such as...Franklin Pangborn, for example... and BOOM! We're all set, girlie!
...but before all of THAT, let's celebrate with some of the 'special batch' of tonic you whupped up back in our speakeasy days...
...yow! This has a metallic whang to it...
...is this the stuff we ran through the radiator of your old Packard? Didn't we lose a few customers with this swill?
...and by 'lose', I mean 'never heard from again by
ANYBODY'... oof.
...well, anyway... um... why is that couch over there melting?
...mmmmm... EVERYTHING'S melting, Nick....
...this is one of my new formulas, Red... it's a perky little ale called 'GingerFoShizzle'...
...that sounds nice, Shirley, but... what manner of fowl is THIS?
...it's a cornish game hen! ...er, yours seems a bit on the anemic side...
HEY! That gives me an idea, Red! Why not give LIVESTOCK some extra nutrients to make them larger, more 'meaty'? A homemaker could feed a family of four on ONE game hen instead of four!!! They could call them...CHICKENS!
...THIS... has a LOOOONG way to go before it obtains 'chicken' status...
...Red, there's not even an energy drink CATEGORY in the current stocks...
We could be in great shape, IF we get a proper spokesperson...
...but Franklin Pangborn? ...he IS pretty 'hopped up' and energetic, in his own weird way, I guess, but... I was thinking more along the lines of an athlete... you know, a 'Fatty Arbuckle' type...
...yes, Mr. Stokely... we're at the coordinates agreed upon... Formula X will arrive in 12 minutes... yes, I'll contact you again upon it's safe delivery... this is Walker signing off...
...hey, I found a new recipe for you... it uses those little pink string beans we jammed out on over at O'Malley's...
...take 4 dressed Cornish game hens...
...or one genetically mutated chicken...
Red, I'm scared... what if Stokely is trying to submarine us and take all the credit, nay PROFIT, from our creation?
Now don't worry your pretty little head...I've run all the legal angles of the contract by our lawyers... they guarantee it's an 'iron-clad' document!
Oh... er, which one reviewed it... Dewey?
Cheatum?
...or Howe?
...actually, it was Dewey, Cheatum AND Howe... bah-dum-pa!
...look, don't blow this for us... you're down to the last of your nine lives, fella! Remember the 'Ab Blaster' debacle you got us into?
Well, that would have worked, if Arbuckle hadn't broken that one when he demonstrated it on stage... HEY! THERE'S OUR FORMULA!!!
...and DON'T SIGN anything!!!
...hey, you the fella looking for the formula from another fella named Stokely?
(Red)...yes, yes...where is it?
...well, let's see, it's right here in my side pock..WHOOPS! DANG!!! Er...I'm awfully sorry, folks... I ate a calzone on the way over, and my paws are still a mite slippery... hope this stuff can be cleaned out of your carpet... um... well, where your carpet USED to be... er...what IS this stuff, anyway?
WOWZERS!!!!...if Formula X can literally eat a hole in the floor...
...imagine what it would do to your innards!!!
...oh, hello, Mrs. Murphy...I didn't know you lived in this building...
Well, that proves it, babe! Stokely WAS out to ruin us!!! I guess we'll just have to set up our own little operation in my dining room...
...well, I can always take out a second 'mortgage' on the ol' Duesenberg...
Well, here it is, Shirl... the FIRST bottle of GAMS...
You know, I've been thinking about the name of this stuff... it's a bit unwieldy... maybe we should call it something more succinct... ...easy to remember... ...and rolls off the tongue easily... like...
...'Red' Bull...
...and so, Shirley and Red soldiered on with their energy drink start-up, and achieved moderate success by distributing their elixir on the RKO studio lot... Regular customers were Edward Everett Horton, Zasu Pitts, and Charles Coburn.... Kate Hepburn only drank it while eating oysters, but Astaire never touched the stuff, for reasons unknown... but overall, the couple made a pretty nice profit from their venture, and parlayed that into another 'nutrition' venture, when they opened up the first GNC store in 1935 (ironically)...a little-known fact is that 'GNC' originally stood for "Ginger-Nick-Collaboration"...
Stokely went on to buy out the formula for Gatorade and fared pretty well with that, the delivery dude became a Maroni's Calzone franchisee, and Miss Dinglehoffer ultimately fared better than ALL of them, dropping her $$$ into a little ol' start-up called International Business Machines...which, BTW, was founded in 1911... a nice segue (and topic hint) into the next Gingerology post...
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Welp, that's that... hopefully it proved to be entertaining for ya...to me it's always more interesting when you know the film, and you know what the true scenes are...
Until Then...
KIG!
Hu
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